Friday, February 13, 2009


This is my shameless confession of losing faith. I am at the point of being scared.
Scared that I might stray away from my religion. I am in need of spiritual guidance.
But my being stubborn is stopping me from letting wisdom in.

A lot of people has been trying to reach out and share what they know and their experiences.
I've been invited to many fellowships. Although, I inform them up ahead that accepting their invitation won't be a sign nor a promise of commitment.
But I've never been really that comfortable dealing with people talking about God that's not in line with the Catholic Church.
At the back of my mind, I feel that people from these fellowships seem to be claiming something else.
No, I'm not stating that the Catholic Church has the only true path towards God and His Kingdom.
I'm just saying that a lot of these groups have been sprouting everywhere. So my belief is faltering.
That would also explain why I can't put my heart into prayers.

Perhaps I've been too discriminating. Perhaps I'm not as open as what I would want myself to believe.

So you ask when my faith had started to waver.
It was at a certain class. We were asked to prepare a provocative speech.
Mine was all about believing in God even though He is not physically present.
I had classmates who were very religious in that same class but they had nill on me.
I think they got too overwhelmed by the fact that I dared to challenge their own beliefs that in their defense, it failed to back up their knowledge about their religion.
Add to that I was one of the two people in class who won the challenge.
I had no intention of being serious about what I had prepare on the spot, but it dragged on til today.

As you can tell, I still acknowledge the fact that there is a higher power.
It may just be perhaps that I've watched too many movies, read too many books and heard too many incovenient truths that whatever had been taught and instilled in me, never really got through.

I find myself helpless that I can't seem to push aside another part of me insisting that I don't need to reestablish my faith in God.
I sense that something is about to go real wrong and I might be put to the test, something I could drown into. Losing myself.
That's why I want to take action. Thus the post about a call for help.


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

Avy is worried.

I am deeply troubled by the sudden hospitalization of my Aunt.
It just seems so ironic that she'd be confined in the same hospital that she's been working for most of her life.
She had too many strokes. Which even the doctors themselves are still trying to figure out what caused the attacks.

Just recently, she's having another attack. I am left, yet again to watch over the house while they all went to the hospital.
Earlier today, I got to visit her. It was at that time that I got to see her awake. She's been in the ICU for quite some time now.
As I stepped into her room, seeing me she raised her hand a bit. With the rosary still in her hand, she wanted me to hold her hand.
Honestly, I'm not that very close to my family. But the responsibilities I am supposed to take on in this family, I am filling in.
I'm not nagging about having to come home early from work just so I can house sit. I've had to set work-related activities aside to attend to this situation.
Something people at work don't seem to understand. Of course, I'm not one to explain something more than once to different people.
So it's better for them to be disappointed at me rather than having to apologize and explain over and over what has been happening.

Back to my visit, I was of course very moved. I held her hand. I had this strange feeling. I wanted to cry but I held back my tears, afraid that it might affect her or let her know that I'm scared.
I am, in fact scared. This is all too sudden. To think she is the head of the Infection Control Committee. I am worried that her only son might not emotionally make it through. He's still too young and too pampered by his mother.
Of her husband who' still trying to fit in the family even though he's been living with us (btw, we live in the same house) ever since they got married with my aunt.

I do hope and pray that God will watch over her and keep her safe. She has still so much to do here on Earth that I pray to God for mercy and for recovery.

We all need her. I need her. Without her, there will always be a void. A sense of emptiness in the family. Something even the dogs have perhaps felt too with the way they're acting.
She makes us feel complete.

May God have pity on us and bring her safely back to us.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Thought of the day

I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately. Not emotionally, but physically.
I've been diagnosed with benign positional vertigo. Something that I've ignored most of the time.
This would explain why I couldn't turn my head sideways whenever I walk.
It was a good thing that I got to ask a doctor of related profession what I've been going through for quite some time.

So comes in costly medicines that I have to take on a daily basis. But the odd thing about it is that it somehow makes me more nauseous.
Please cross out the idea of me being a mom, that's totally out of the question here.

Our company physician has recommended that I take 4 days off from work, add to that my scheduled 2 days off.
So that would mean I'd be stuck at home for 6 days. I must admit that this will take the load off my back, having to work 5-6 days a week talking to people with most of them having comprehension disabilities.
But the fact that I'd be disappointing my team captain about my condition, about not helping our team stats at all.
I am quite aware of my performance and I want to make it to the point of maintaining an excellent performance-based grade.
But how can I be effective if I can't hear that well? If I feel nauseous everytime.
I have set a goal that seems to be within reach now, but with my health condition, it might be a big obstacle I would have to either endure or sink in to.

It's just that, instead of having to worry about nothing else for a week. I'd be stuck staring at the ceiling or at a corner thinking about how disappointing my stat is. And of how I feel I've disappointed my team captain.
Makes me feel guilty of being sick.

It just doesn't feel right.

Oh what to do.