Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Too much happiness. Too much pain.
You can never have everything.
So many disappointments.
Better to not have anything at all.
How depressing it is to think that,
I am overwhelmed by the negativity that surrounds me.
The efforts I make on being pretentious,
when things have never been different.
Vindictive and disdained, seems at a loss
No sense of direction, or purpose at the most
Vagueness and transparency, oh the irony.
Should I stay or should I go?
Should I deprive myself of happiness.
Wallow in misery?
So I can feel the need of empathy?
A simple play on words, and on life
To live in ambiguity, is to feel alive
For change is the only thing that is constant..
Optimism has never been auspicious.
To be an antagonist to oneself, has been what I am.
And as I walk past through the crowd,
I constrain myself from conformity and decadence.
When everything seemingly looks simple, it all becomes very complicated.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I try not to think about work, since I'm supposed to be resting.
I can't help but count the hours, the minutes and the seconds that go by for me to back at the office. I still have one more day to TRY and relax.
Big dreams. Material stuff. Happiness. Wholeness.
With days of not doing anything productive, I haven't found the answer to most of my needs yet.
In time, I know I will have many, I'd be where I want to be. Whether it be in a stress-induced environment or out in the wilderness.
I'll keep in mind though that I should be out of the city limits when on leave.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tech Support: Hello … how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you
located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running ?
Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error
- Program not run on external components.” What should I do?
Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set
up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the
following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but
eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed
and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you, God.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
First of all, the videos aren't that great. No action at all.
I just want to point out the fact that Hayden's got no future at directing/shooting videos/films.
I feel for those who have been victims of this pervert. But please, to be constantly ranting about it?
The thing is, this kind of stuff like sex videos going out in public is not a new thing. Even commoners have fallen victim to this perverse epidemic.
But you don't hear nor see them bringing in the whole media to complain and shit. Of course, we get it.
You're a star. You don't deserve to be treated this way. He needs to go to jail. He needs to be punished for what he did.
Now you hear all this BS babble on the news, this time the lawyers get the screen time. Throwing lawyer-stuff crap about who gets more points in court.
And this actor-turned-politician should stop taking sides and mind his own life. Even he has a lot of scandals up his sleeves. Getting involved with this scandal circus might divulge his past.
In short, keep your nose out of it and pretend to work your ass off for your beloved country.
Now this is just something most of us tune in for the sake of forgetting how prices are going up, gasoline's slowly going back to it's outrageous rate and the flu.
We only get news about how the A(H1N1) is now spreading slowly day by day.
It's kind of scary to think that if you're having a fever and you go to the hospital you'd get quarantined.
One of the many reasons why this virus has increased the number of people afflicted.
I'm not saying that media coverage about this should override all scheduled programs, that might scare the kids some more (if they even care.)
It's just a matter of setting the media's priorities here. Then again, who cares. Let's wait til this hits the president. LOL
It's funny how, on the tube, senators act all proper nagging about how other senators have been milking funds for so-called benefit-for-the-people projects.
The other one counters, adding spice with his words. Then the other one's ego gets hurt and there you go. Another field day for the press.
Why not put them all in jail. That way convicts can give them a piece of their minds. Wouldn't that be fun.
Don't get me started with this.
With the upcoming election, some politcians had groomed themselved for the public already. Perhaps too early that it comes off as arrogant and annoying.
But who cares. It's all rigged anyway. No matter what organized movement the YOUTH has, positions have been filled out already after the so-called election.
That Escudero dude has a point about implementing an automated voting system where it's more vulnerable and prone to miscalculation, worse tinker with the results.
And wtf about Estrada (damn right I'm naming names), running again. For what? As president? Has he not brought enough shame to this country?
The nerve of him. Sure, he's all sweet and the people love him. But running our government is totally out of his league. Why don't he stick to doing charity works instead.
At least he DOES make some people happy.
I don't play favorites. Nor do I watch debates between politicians, because it's all BS.
Care to disagree?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Dan Millman (Scott Mechlowicz) is a college gymnast with Olympic dreams who's world is turned upside down when he meets a mysterious stranger called Socrates (Nick Nolte). Socrates holds the power to tap into new worlds of strength and understanding. After a serious injury, with the help of Socrates and an elusive young woman named Joy (Amy Smart), Dan discovers he has much to learn and even more to leave behind before he can become a peaceful warrior and find his destiny.
My friend suggested I watch film, saying it might enlighten me or something.
Well, first of all before you guys start downloading or purchasing a copy online, mind you this is not a movie for everyone.
But if you look past the exterior and listen to each line said then you'd understand the depth of what this film is all about.
I won't exactly dish out the details here about the movie. All I'd like to share is that this movie will refresh your mind about what the difference about wisdom and knowledge is. Release your inner inhibitions.
In other news, I found something quite strange.
I've just checked my Friendster account and noticed the number of people who has recently viewed me has increased.
When I visited some of their profiles, it seemed as if they were newly registered accounts. Each with different name and all that.
Containing only one different picture (which btw, happens to look as if they were just copied off from the internet from someone else's account) from each profile's album.
Now, I don't really care who views my profile since it's private anyway therefore insufficient access to my info and stuff.) Nor do I think this is a big deal.
I just wanted to take this time to write something out of nothing. Well, technically not nothing but of something that appeared quite odd.
Facebook is still better than FS, that's for sure.
Friday, June 5, 2009
As for the good news. I have, finally, received good news of something I've kind of been wanting to pursue.
This is really great. Even though I know that they might opt for what they think are better suited people for the job, at least I gotten past their standards *just a bit though* It was a good thing the people I waited for the results with went home when they called my name, otherwise they'd known that I passed. It's not that I don't want anyone to know. My lack of self-esteem, has made me bet on NOT passing.
Hopefully, they wouldn't find out. Otherwise I'd be paying them a hundred bucks.
I'm just concerned about that one part of the exam, the dreaded Test 4 (which was btw all about words I don't know what the hell they mean).
She said that it was made as a separate basis for an individual's capability/skill when it comes to grammar and all that stuff. I'm not that good, nor perfect with composition or grammar. But I know how to make a sentence work. What to use and NOT use in a conversation. It's a good thing I'm a blogger. This has totally groomed my talent for words, making stories and stuff. Hopefully I can use this as an edge or something.
God does have greater plans for me. ^_^
For other news. I'm becoming a bit obsessed with Adam Lambert
(for those who doesn't know who he is, Adam's is the runner-up for American Idol Season 8. With Kris Allen being the Season 8's Idol.) Obsessed, for me means signing up for his official website. And pretty much that's it. I'm not exactly a stalker-type-obsessed-psycho. I just read all the articles and watch videos of him online. Even if it means I'd have to constantly refresh updates on my Twitter to check the latest about Glambert. ^_^
Anyone using Plurk? It's kind of in a way like Twitter, but a bit annoying. Specially when it comes to getting updates-per-second on your timeline. THAT YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT. I've decided to delete my Plurk account and faithfully use Twitter. I mostly follow, Ashton Kutcher (who has about 2 million followers already), Ryan Seacrest (for American Idol/Adam Lambert updates), Perez Hilton (for fun and idiotic insults on celebs), and some of my friends (just 2 of them to be exact).
And now, I must go off to bed. Since I haven't slept yet and my insides hurt from battling in the restroom. Goodnight.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
So what's up with AI and me ranting about it?
Well, for one, this is the first time I've ever followed through American Idol. I almost kind of did AI's season 7, but I found them kind of boring. But this, you've got a flamboyant superstar and an oh-so-down-to-earth talented kid. I've really heard nor saw all of his performances, maybe because he had a guitar or played the piano which for me passes for a John Mayer type of style. But as I've been contemplating and seeing video reels, he's a good guy. Both of them huggin' it out. Kind of cute too.
As for Adam, I've followed through all of his performances even from the day he auditioned. I knew he was something. Like what I felt when I saw David Cook's audition.
And what about Danny Gokey? Honestly, I thought he was a good singer but then personality-wise not THAT good. I don't know, maybe it's because of the interviews and the fact that he's lame and boring too. I know about how his late wife had encouraged him to join the show, but seems like that has been what he's always talking about. As it drags on, so has my vote for him.
Love Adam and Kris. Love Adam more :)
Friday, May 22, 2009
The show may as well be damn rigged. Where winners would always be the 2nd performer.
If you remember, Clay Aiken might have been forced to conceal his true sexuality since being "out" hasn't been the latest "in" at that time.
Now we have a proud and meek talented star and yet has been deprived of what he truly deserves just because an underdog who pretty much another guy who knows how to sing along with his piano and guitar.
I'm not saying he doesn't have talent. The guy's GOT talent. But if you can just do the whole recap about him singing "No Boundaries", the coronation song, it almost ate him up. He can't even keep up with the song's climax.
So this season 8's American Idol is yet another light rock singer on the block.
Now, what if Adam Lambert DID win AI?
Tempting question, and damn right I'd say "Hell, YEAH"
The guy's an entertainer. You'd never know exactly what you'd get. A performer who genuinely pours his heart out with every song.
Since Adam has experience with theater, the stage and the like, obviously he can do a lot of things other than sing. Proclaim the obvious why don't you.
If Adam's going to make a record, he can make tons probably with each track coming from different genres. Since he seems capable of singing almost anything.
I'm looking forward to what AI is going to do with their first runner up.
Why do I prefer Adam over Kris?
Well, for one Kris is too damn boring. So what if he can sing while playing his guitar or piano, who hasn't done that before anyway.
Adam just goes all out with whatever he's got in mind. Pure energy and entertainment. He's got more range and style. He knows to make his choice of songs work.
Sad part about all this is that, this will be the season where AI is going to be bombarded with rants of crowning a Christian over an openly gay star.
Then again Adam is still and will always be straight-up larger than Idol.
My horoscope says I should "try to be the first person to speak up if something unfair or unjust happens today."
Exactly what I'm doing now. ^_^
Monday, May 4, 2009
I never got to see the fight as it was aired. I slept through the entire show.
Good thing they aired it again last night. With only 2 rounds, Britain's Hatton was knocked out cold with a quick left hook from Pacquiao.
It was so fast it had about 10 replays, or more I kind of lost count.
Hatton seemed kind of cocky, serves him right. With his countrymen booing, taunting and mocking other Filipinos watching along with them in the arena, they got creamed well enough to shut them up.
Although I was kind of looking forward for more rounds of Pacquiao's cleverly-induced punches on Hatton. Seemed that Hatton didn't have enough cockiness in him to withstand Pacquiao's left hook when he was wide open as he tried to counter-attack when he thought Pacquiao was about to fall for his first move.
You'll notice, in the fight, that Hatton was somehow using all his resources to slow down Pacquiao. Trapping Pacman's elbow and arms in between his while throwing cheat punches at him.
Serves him right.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Is it enough to say that it has lived out its last?
Minutes, days, months and years of life filled with questions
Most of them have been left unanswered..
What do you see beyond a horizon..
When night and day takes a peek into our world..
Should it be any wonder why we try to seek satisfaction
Endlessly through a fast-paced life
And when all has been left to be a puzzle..
What do we make of this then..
Thursday, April 2, 2009
In a couple of days, I will no longer be the normal person (as I claim to be) that you know today.
Our schedule, team name and all of that has now changed. And we are going to be transferred to night shift. 9PM to be exact.
I'm finding it difficult to deal with the team I'm with right now. They get dumber by the minute, well some of them that is.
I may be a little unfair since some of them are still new to the job but still, I don't know how some of them passed communication skills training.
I think they need re-training. But who cares what I think, right?
Anyway, they bore me to death. That's why I'm finding ways of having myself transferred to a different team with a different shift. Perhaps 2am or 4am.
The sad part about that would be not being with my parfait, but she understands why I'd want to transfer anyway. Aside from isolating myself from annoying newbies
and unfathomable grammar, the pay's better with my preferred shift.
Segwey to family issues.
My Aunt just died last night. I came home from our Badminton Semi-Finals at work and I came across my mom who was on her way to the hospital because they received news about her sister passing away.
She told me to go home right away to accompany my cousin, who's still a kid, alone at our house (we live in one house).
That stupid pedicab driver even saw my mom crying and didn't even budge, still waiting for other passengers. As I got home, I saw him crying. Telling me about how his mother seemed okay hours before she had passed away.
It must have been too great of a pain that my aunt had simply given up hope of recovery. Too much dialysis had weakened her body. I know it will take time for the family to heal but I can't seem to share the same emotion as what they have.
Although I do understand the gravity of the situation, still I can't force myself to feel pain, depression and grief (though, in most cases it does come naturally without cause).
I'll miss her. Her wacky personality. Being head of the infection control committee of one of the prestigious hospitals here in Davao, you'd be surprised.
And how about me? Am I alright?
I can't answer that. I'm caught in between work, play and family responsibilities. And all of this has made me numb. Perhaps not too numb, but a little bit overwhelmed that I can't express myself. Just a blank face. As if there was a void in my hypothalamus.
Til next update.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thinking I'd be in for a treat watching the comic-based movie "Watchmen", I convinced some of my friends to watch it with me.
The movie is in a way loyal to the graphic novel, making the movie itself quite epic. But the director's overwhelming loyalty has failed to make the movie itself, while watching it, captivating.
Tickets' price was reasonable since it's a lengthy movie. But what can you make out of a movie that seems pretty boring til the end.
As I was staring at the big movie screen, I kept thinking to myself what if I'd watched Confessions of a Shopaholic instead. Maybe it'll be less boring.
No doubt that the actors had delivered their roles pretty well, still the movie lacked something. Thrill and action. There were some scenes that seemed too gross or gory, something was still missing.
It's one of those novel/comics/game-based movies that makes you think the director had assumed the audience had a grasp with it's background.
Therefore, leaving an unsatisfied movie-goer.
I've yet to watch Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, because I've been hearing that it's better than Watchmen.
Til next movie review.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
When death has finally swept in, waiting by the bedside. For the last breath to be let out.
What happens.. when you are forced to take on such responsibilities you're not prepared to handle.
When emotions before had never mattered but it has gravely caused you to shut down totally.
When all hope seems to be lost, what happens when you don't know how to find redemption and spiritual guidance.
I'm too overwhelmed with the things going on at work that I don't know how to react to the fact my dear Aunt who had been trying to fight to live, had been brought in the ICU again.
Stating that if she was to suffer or have another heart attack, she doesn't want to be resuscitated.
Inch by inch, I feel the sadness. Creeping into my veins.
I try not to feel too much sadness. I know it'll affect my work and other things.
I'm worried about my cousin who, at his age and how he was brought up, is now left with one parent.
I'll be looking after him from now on.
Friday, February 13, 2009
This is my shameless confession of losing faith. I am at the point of being scared.
Scared that I might stray away from my religion. I am in need of spiritual guidance.
But my being stubborn is stopping me from letting wisdom in.
A lot of people has been trying to reach out and share what they know and their experiences.
I've been invited to many fellowships. Although, I inform them up ahead that accepting their invitation won't be a sign nor a promise of commitment.
But I've never been really that comfortable dealing with people talking about God that's not in line with the Catholic Church.
At the back of my mind, I feel that people from these fellowships seem to be claiming something else.
No, I'm not stating that the Catholic Church has the only true path towards God and His Kingdom.
I'm just saying that a lot of these groups have been sprouting everywhere. So my belief is faltering.
That would also explain why I can't put my heart into prayers.
Perhaps I've been too discriminating. Perhaps I'm not as open as what I would want myself to believe.
So you ask when my faith had started to waver.
It was at a certain class. We were asked to prepare a provocative speech.
Mine was all about believing in God even though He is not physically present.
I had classmates who were very religious in that same class but they had nill on me.
I think they got too overwhelmed by the fact that I dared to challenge their own beliefs that in their defense, it failed to back up their knowledge about their religion.
Add to that I was one of the two people in class who won the challenge.
I had no intention of being serious about what I had prepare on the spot, but it dragged on til today.
As you can tell, I still acknowledge the fact that there is a higher power.
It may just be perhaps that I've watched too many movies, read too many books and heard too many incovenient truths that whatever had been taught and instilled in me, never really got through.
I find myself helpless that I can't seem to push aside another part of me insisting that I don't need to reestablish my faith in God.
I sense that something is about to go real wrong and I might be put to the test, something I could drown into. Losing myself.
That's why I want to take action. Thus the post about a call for help.
Friday, February 6, 2009
It just seems so ironic that she'd be confined in the same hospital that she's been working for most of her life.
She had too many strokes. Which even the doctors themselves are still trying to figure out what caused the attacks.
Just recently, she's having another attack. I am left, yet again to watch over the house while they all went to the hospital.
Earlier today, I got to visit her. It was at that time that I got to see her awake. She's been in the ICU for quite some time now.
As I stepped into her room, seeing me she raised her hand a bit. With the rosary still in her hand, she wanted me to hold her hand.
Honestly, I'm not that very close to my family. But the responsibilities I am supposed to take on in this family, I am filling in.
I'm not nagging about having to come home early from work just so I can house sit. I've had to set work-related activities aside to attend to this situation.
Something people at work don't seem to understand. Of course, I'm not one to explain something more than once to different people.
So it's better for them to be disappointed at me rather than having to apologize and explain over and over what has been happening.
Back to my visit, I was of course very moved. I held her hand. I had this strange feeling. I wanted to cry but I held back my tears, afraid that it might affect her or let her know that I'm scared.
I am, in fact scared. This is all too sudden. To think she is the head of the Infection Control Committee. I am worried that her only son might not emotionally make it through. He's still too young and too pampered by his mother.
Of her husband who' still trying to fit in the family even though he's been living with us (btw, we live in the same house) ever since they got married with my aunt.
I do hope and pray that God will watch over her and keep her safe. She has still so much to do here on Earth that I pray to God for mercy and for recovery.
We all need her. I need her. Without her, there will always be a void. A sense of emptiness in the family. Something even the dogs have perhaps felt too with the way they're acting.
She makes us feel complete.
May God have pity on us and bring her safely back to us.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately. Not emotionally, but physically.
I've been diagnosed with benign positional vertigo. Something that I've ignored most of the time.
This would explain why I couldn't turn my head sideways whenever I walk.
It was a good thing that I got to ask a doctor of related profession what I've been going through for quite some time.
So comes in costly medicines that I have to take on a daily basis. But the odd thing about it is that it somehow makes me more nauseous.
Please cross out the idea of me being a mom, that's totally out of the question here.
Our company physician has recommended that I take 4 days off from work, add to that my scheduled 2 days off.
So that would mean I'd be stuck at home for 6 days. I must admit that this will take the load off my back, having to work 5-6 days a week talking to people with most of them having comprehension disabilities.
But the fact that I'd be disappointing my team captain about my condition, about not helping our team stats at all.
I am quite aware of my performance and I want to make it to the point of maintaining an excellent performance-based grade.
But how can I be effective if I can't hear that well? If I feel nauseous everytime.
I have set a goal that seems to be within reach now, but with my health condition, it might be a big obstacle I would have to either endure or sink in to.
It's just that, instead of having to worry about nothing else for a week. I'd be stuck staring at the ceiling or at a corner thinking about how disappointing my stat is. And of how I feel I've disappointed my team captain.
Makes me feel guilty of being sick.
It just doesn't feel right.
Oh what to do.