Wide Open

Too much happiness. Too much pain.
You can never have everything.
So many disappointments.
Better to not have anything at all.

How depressing it is to think that,
I am overwhelmed by the negativity that surrounds me.

The efforts I make on being pretentious,
when things have never been different.

Vindictive and disdained, seems at a loss
No sense of direction, or purpose at the most

Vagueness and transparency, oh the irony.

Should I stay or should I go?
Should I deprive myself of happiness.
Wallow in misery?
So I can feel the need of empathy?

A simple play on words, and on life
To live in ambiguity, is to feel alive
For change is the only thing that is constant..

Optimism has never been auspicious.
To be an antagonist to oneself, has been what I am.
And as I walk past through the crowd,
I constrain myself from conformity and decadence.

When everything seemingly looks simple, it all becomes very complicated.

Random Blabbers

I watched idly as time passed by. With me just staying at home. Itching to go out but something's holding me back. Laziness. Yes folks, I am in fact lazy when in bed. My mind wanders of million miles away yet my body stays glued to the sheets of my bed.

I try not to think about work, since I'm supposed to be resting.

I can't help but count the hours, the minutes and the seconds that go by for me to back at the office. I still have one more day to TRY and relax.

Big dreams. Material stuff. Happiness. Wholeness.
With days of not doing anything productive, I haven't found the answer to most of my needs yet.

In time, I know I will have many, I'd be where I want to be. Whether it be in a stress-induced environment or out in the wilderness.

I'll keep in mind though that I should be out of the city limits when on leave.

Swirls

What do you make of an old soul dying..
Is it enough to say that it has lived out its last?
Minutes, days, months and years of life filled with questions
Most of them have been left unanswered..

What do you see beyond a horizon..
When night and day takes a peek into our world..

Should it be any wonder why we try to seek satisfaction
Endlessly through a fast-paced life
And when all has been left to be a puzzle..
What do we make of this then..

Strawberry Parfait

The title is tempting, isn't it? My favorite dessert. Makes me smile too.

I've always tried to avoid saying something at a certain point that will have me regret and experience the opposite sooner.

I've never been that expressive with feelings or anything that relates to being all sentimental and acting too sweet.

Then came this person who is my exact opposite (except for the gender).

Too sweet, too sensitive and too much great of a friend. Never in my entire 20 years have I met or even had a friend like her.

She's a gem.

This is my only way of letting the world know of how appreciative I am for knowing someone like her.

Even though people at work kind of talks about us being too close, I don't care because there is definitely nothing beyond that closeness.

I've found someone whom I can confide in and talk about things I've never managed to tell other people.

Although trusting her with everything about me will be a little difficult since I have trust issues.

You break it and it will never be fixed.

Things have been pretty hectic at work.

I'm still caught up with our badminton and volleyball tournament as well as our dance production for the Christmas Party.

Tomorrow (Monday), we'll start working on Step Up 2 production. Getting a bit excited about it because our choreographer seems to know his stuff.

Our Step Up 1 production's not that bad so hopefully the  Step Up 2 part will be better :)

Til next update.

A good thing or a bad thing

A decision has been made making Obama the new president of the United States of America. This would definitely be a history in the making. To think that an African-American senator had been elected to be the head chief of a powerful country. Now as I've mentioned way back before, I'm not really into politics, not that I'm not interested but because it just gets me all hyper and stuff just talking about it.

The only thing that caught my attention was the fact that part of Obama's platform was to discontinue outsourcing from different countries. Making sure that an american family is assured of a job anywhere in the US. Of course it's not a bad thing, this is his way of getting through the people of America, but see the thing is this kind of business has been growing and expanding all over, specially here in the Philippines. The thing is, if he's going to stop outsourcing what'll happen to us here in the Philippines who mostly rely on getting a job as a call center agent because the pay's much better than regular day job in the government (if you're not corrupt, of course). What will happen to the people who had hopes of getting promoted to a better position, who had worked hard *cough cough* to get to where they are now. What a sad thing.

Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm going to be 21. Happy birthday to me.

Upcoming Movies

Yeah, upcoming movies to be rated. I will be watching the following movies tomorrow with a friend from work. Will be rating and reviewing them after. :)

Lubdub

A sudden realization just hit me. I'm too self absorbed.

No wonder I don't care that much about anything other than myself.

Hohum.

To be utterly at a loss for words and stories to post.

Oh my. Something people (bloggers) would normally fear of.

Writer's block.

There's this certain event in my life that seems to keep playing over and over in my head.

A chance perhaps wasted. All the what-ifs seems to overflow my mind.

To betray a friend for the sake of love. Or to deprive myself of happiness for my friend's sake.

How I wish I could have gracefully died a martyr, but no, I had to live on and be haunted by it for the rest of my life.

Segue here:

Anyone here been involved in a love tri?

A little bit

It's keeping me alive once more. My passion has caught up with me. I so want to make this right. I know myself too much, about getting all excited about something and in the end it'll blow up in my face.

Which is why, if I'm going to heed this calling I might as well make it right. Don't you think?

That's why I've been sort of practicing. I'm a fan of Kaba Modern, that's why I'm kinda trying to learn from their choreography. Just for the heck of it.

Add to that, a lot of dance contest/challenges are up at our office. I'm picking out people who got the right stuff to fit in the right groove.

I don't want to be so high school about all of this. I must admit, I am getting a bit excited. Since the theme now is like that of Step Up 2 (let's just see how far they go with the theme), I'm pretty sure some of the moves I'm trying to learn will be useful.

Here's a clip of what I'm trying to learn as of the moment. 

Only the first part though 

(When we Oooo by Janet Jackson)

Transparent

With so much stuff going on, one can never figure out what's real and not. What's genuine and fake.

I've been the ever supportive friend. In a way, I've been too much of a sponge. But throughtout those times I've had to listen to the same stories over and over, I never once complained.

Well, not until now. I've never really asked for anything in return. As what I've always said, expectations will result to disappointments. Life is full of it.

Anyway, so this certain person offers me a listening ear. Would I want to burden her with all the drama in my life? Nah.

Getting things off my chest and pouring it all out on her won't change anything.

As you continue on reading this, you'll figure out how cynical I have become from all the things I've been through (which of course is not needed to be listed here.)

A hopeless case? Perhaps. I'm still struggling. It's difficult to be among people you think you're comfortable with but not to the extent that you can trust them fully.

I still have my guard on. I can't stand more lies.

Out the window

I have simply lost all the respect that there was supposed to be left for our ever scandalous and crackpot government.
Not that I care deeply about our country or whatever, somehow that sense of security is slowly slipping away too.
Ain't it amazing how that ZTE scandal simply vanished into thin air. Wonder if that guy got shot or something.
Oh politics, I was never really great at them.

Anywho, my desire to look for a better job has been put to a halt. Not because I love my current job ever so much but of the fact that if I'm going to resign now, I'd be missing out on our Christmas cup.
And I'm expected to be present since we're the defending champions in Badminton mixed doubles division.
This plan of taking on a diferent type of job has been postponed too many times already.
Hayy. Perhaps I won't say anything or plan anything for now, so it won't blow up on my face right away.

Oh, is anyone following the VMA's Challenge for Best Dance Crew?
Kaba Modern and Fanny Pak are the top two.
And just recently, Fanny Pak had been announced as the winner.I was soooo rooting for Kaba Modern,
though I didn't exactly find anything new on their choreo.
But I still love them. Fanny Pak may have one the war but never the battle. (Do I sound like a psycho-fanatic?)

I wasn't entirely interested in watching the most talked about show for the moment.
But then I got bored and rather than watching an hour long movie, I decided to buy a dvd copy.
And yes, I am talking about GG.A whole lot better than The OC, which has so much friggin drama. Though GG also has its oh-so dramaticans uper alcoholic moments, it comes fashionably with style.
And Chuck is the least handsome yet most interesting character among the whole cast.
Too bad Eric's gay, him and Jenny would have made a cute couple.

I'll be going out tomorrow night with my teammates. Drink til we drop. Dress to kill. I'd prefer Suit to Kill though.

Out loud

When will this bitter-sweet sensation end? All the endless pain and nerve wracking emotions must somehow come to an end. And not one single sentence will suffice what had been done.

You ask if I had been too afflicted of the events that had come to pass. Perhaps a little unexpected and greatly made an impact.

I, for one, had been hurt and is hurting still. Yet amidst all of this I am searching for something else. Something that could, once again hurt me.

I have learned so many things these past few months, although not totally everything that would make me a self-made billionaire. Reflections? I have been doing that ever since I enjoyed lurking around the city by myself.

I have learned that even though a person is alone he's not exactly a loner. And neither is a loner alone. But the contradiction comes through me. I let myself be taken for granted and have made no effort of being intimately involved with anyone (other than romantic concerns). I am not one who greatly expresses herself to anyone. But given the right moment and enough beer, then perhaps I might get a little serious.

Shelled for almost 20 years of my oh so blissful life in one city, with similar faces add to that new people from all walks of life can be pretty... boring.
This loner, yes I do admit I am one, is seeking out to a new world. Begging it to interest her in leaving the spot she's always filled and move in to the other side of the country (since that's what she can only afford).
Move away from people that has always reminded her of matters so screwed up that there's no sense on even thinking about it.

Perhaps I may be going around in circles, and that's what I'm practically good at. But a point has to come out from all of this.
I may have walls put around me, I may have been putting on capricious persona. Who hasn't? Let us not kid ourselves about the fact that in order to get through the day you'd have to not be you for people to understand you.
So in order for me to fully understand and grasp that whole meaning of being humanely sane, I have to get out of here. And get out there (pointing to a certain island on a world map)
I prefer going alone, but hey, feel free to come along. It's going to be one crazy ride.

The Soul

A lost soul had been last seen in an empty street. It was raining that night, the soul did not bring anything to make itself warm. As if losing hope of finding what had been taken from it, the soul continued on.
Going through the same alleys it had been through before.

The memories have made the soul flinch, all the supposed-to-be-forgotten memories had now come back.
The soul thought to itself not to mind the pain for it had long passed.
But then a flash of light shone through.
A black figure is now seen walking forward, as if blocking the luminous light.

"Who are you?" said the soul.

The black figure stopped, face seemed so vague.

"Who are you?" the soul repeated.

"My name is of no importance, I am here to offer you freedom from this loneliness and suffering you are going through. I will provide you everything that you need. And you shall forget about your past and move on with your life."

"Are you like God or something?"

"There is no need for you to know about my being. All this I offer, of course will come with a price."

"I'm not interested." The soul said, walking past the light.

"Salvation will always come with a price."

"I said, I'm not interested."

And so the black figure disappeared not before saying, "Very well then, I shall meet with you again soon."

It saw a diner up ahead, an empty diner.
The lady at the counter stared at the pale looking figure who seemed to be confused. It occupied the seat at the corner that looked through the glass window. It saw different figures with different glows on their chest passing by. Salvation, as what the figure had said, had been offered to it.
The risk of taking on such an unusual but tempting offer. But what is there to be afraid of?
Pain is inevitable and the soul had always survived.

Will you try to reason out to yourself?

The soul had been in a trance, as if in deep thought.
Just then, a bright yellow glow came toward it's table.
"Are you alone?"

Without looking at the figure, the soul answered "I always have..."


Just then, the alarm went off. 5:20am. I need to get ready. Off to work.

Numb

It's one of those days that somehow makes me think about what I'm missing in my life.
This is, again, another never-ending rant about how I'm basically spinning and talking in circles. Now isn't that toooooo redundant?

Someone once asked my if writing was my passion. I told her that it was my second. Dancing would be my first. But I don't believe I've proven myself worthy enough to be even called a "good" performer. Now let's not talk about me dancing, that would be like watching a monkey walk upright across a hall.

Writing, writing.
I do know how to construct sentences. I just never know when to end them, aside from putting a dot at the very end. I have learned how to express myself through words I cannot imagine myself saying to someone in person. I'm just floating through the words building up inside my head, hoping for a conclusion.

Come to think of it, I'm not exactly sure about what I'm passionate about now. And I guess it would be too much a narcissist if I'd say I'm passionate about myself looking good.
What do I really want? What am I good at?

I can think of something I'm capable of doing but that's just it. Doesn't exactly mean I'm good at it. Maybe I haven't figured out yet what I want. I can only think of what's interesting to me at this moment. And that is dancing. Literary arts will stay otherwise.

And why numb?
I'm talking about the title. That would be because I'm almost wearing myself out every friggin day, feeling nothing but how things got fast and days slowly turning to nights. Although I can still tell the difference between hot and cold. But I don't think I'm making the most out of what I have now even about what I'm doing.
Maybe it's because even though I work my ass off and have instant fast heart beats whenever I see someone pretty on the floor, I still feel nothing beyond that.

Can you say I'm numb?

The Stop

What is life without purpose?
Without doubt nor fears.
What is life without hope?
Only an ocean filled with tears.

And what is hope without faith?
A mere illusion for the sake of sanity.
This is not about love that's lost,
I'm merely talking about me.

Time is starting to stand still, as I sit here waiting.
Waiting for an answer that I believe is already in front of me but I'm just too damn stubborn to see.
I have occupied my mind with thoughts about what I'm doing being the right thing to be.
What has become of me?

I am no more than but a stray along lonely streets.
This is not even near breakdown, nor hitting rock bottom. But another slap in the face about how my life really is and what I'm trying to ignore. Will this desperate cry for help be heard? When and who will ever listen.

The story goes on...